Blog...ging?

My mate has been gone for just over a month now and it's not getting any easier.

Communication is difficult at best but hopefully it'll be better once he gets internet access in his room next week.

Being alone almost 24/7 isn't as easy as it was made out to be. Cooking for one sucks and joining in on group cooking is always a failure. And then when I try to cheat? Nearly everything microwavable or 'chuck-in-the-oven' disgusts my tastebuds. I've gotten too used to homecooked meals to eat anything else expect some take-away if I'm in the mood and if I can afford it.

Just dealing with this is enough without University, trying to get my licence, organising to move again, wrestling with the University and Centrelink and planning what I'll be doing in the near and not-so-far future...

My mate was my anti-drug. I didn't have to be on my medication with him, medication everyone around me seemed to think was ridiculous in the first place. I would agree with them but the mental health system here sucks; the counselling I initially recieved didn't help enough and the department I went on to next is forced to speed people through in under a year.

He is literally my rock.

But he has so much going on overseas it's ridiculous. If any of you are thinking of going on exchange... think about it seriously. Do your research. Find people who have done exactly what you're planning on doing. Get them to talk to you about it straight.Whilst it is a great experience you've got to be prepared for all of the crap that is going to happen to you. Next to no one has exchanged to where my mate has from our University because not many people study Japanese so there wasn't much for him to go on.
He has support over there now but this first month has been rough!

And there's even been stuff that I've had to help him sort out back here! No one seems to be able to get their shit together in this world, even when it's their job!

So right now I'm just really down and stressed. I don't know why I'm typing this up on my blog instead of just in a diary or on a plain piece of paper... I like typing because I still make some sense when I'm upset. And I guess the idea of just putting my feelings out there in writing as well as art feels... right? This is the age for blogging and crap afterall.

I'm also worried. Whilst I trust my mate completely and love him dearly it's really hard to just sit around here doing nothing really fun... I hate conflicting feelings. I know he would never cheat on me or anything like that but I'm worried that... because I'm such a burden. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm afraid that he'll find something better? Or realise I'm not all I crack up to be? His rose-tinted glasses might break? I don't know.
Anyone who knows me even a little bit would know that I don't think too much of myself. I don't hate myself but I don't like myself as much as others seem to. I definitely don't feel the same way about myself as my mate does.
So I guess I'm scared. Scared of losing him in this huge world. And even though I know that it's my fucked up emotions that are really hurting him, I can't keep them in check.

Ever since my former best friend made me open up to her all those years ago I can't not tell the people (pfft, person) closest to me how I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I bottle it all up again I'll crack.
But he can't take all of my 'emotional baggage' as some would call it. And I can understand that! He has his own shit going on.
So I've started venting a lot more in the form of art. But sometimes I just can't get my feelings across right that way, so I also write. Which leads me to here, my blog.

It's not secret but neither is my art. I don't see too much of a difference between expressing myself artistically to this.

So here I am. Yep. That's how I'm feeling right about now.

Really lonely and really sad.

I love my kitty cat dearly, but her love and the love of and from my mate are too different to compare or replace one another.


I'm almost certain that this whole post is... really out of order. But, eh!

I'll probably start posting some art here. Tumblr is great, but I get too distracted reblogging cute, funny, awesome, interesting things there. Even with different pages my Tumblr doesn't look much like the art blog I intended it to be!

Hah.

Yup.